EMBRACE AND ALLOW YOUR EGO TO GUIDE YOU

I ask for motivation and happiness in these sad times

I felt major doubts this morning. They crept in  on Monday and started to take root. I could have ignored the news coverage, I know better now.
I read a quote that went something along the lines of
‘If you have writers block, it simply means you don’t know yet what you want to say.’
I think that’s very apt right now. It’s a very inspiring quote, in that it made me think, made me want to push on through and that answers will come in time, and at the perfect time.
But I still feel angst.
Now this isn’t entirely triggered by the death of Robin Williams, but the event was significant enough to make my feelings concrete.
I anticipated reading and watching the media storm and participated in liking and sharing the content in support of people, like myself, who might be struggling, sometimes on a daily basis, with deep sadness that, when it hits, you cannot see past it.
My vibration has been in the sadness and endedness frequency for this past week, and if I wasn’t with friends, (who probably have no idea how I’ve been feeling but because I feel safe here, I felt no need to mention it) I would have felt a lot more lonely.
I have not been suicidal. But I let the misery in because it’s so familiar and the media makes that feeling of misery feel justified and necessary.
When taking to my Facebook and Twitter feed (because I try and control how much network news I watch, and after all it’s all on Twitter anyway) I learned of another death in america, another shooting, another unarmed black teenager killed, this time by police.
I have to admit I still don’t know the real reason. Because I can’t truth in the media. So I will protect myself from that. I don’t need to know why because the actions of the police speak louder than the words.
Whether it was pure bred racism or a totally tragic mistake, I now choose not to post the first thing that comes into my head. l choose to switch off and give each event the respect it deserves.
LIfe now is so reactionary. Media is biased, sensationalist and at times insensitive. All broadcasting and reporting is opinion based, there are only ever few real facts reported and facts do not tell stories. It’s HARD to remember that when it’s all around you.
It’s also possibly the reason why I struggle with motivation when my feed and TV is constantly feeding me what other people think, ‘so this is what they must think of you.’
It’s actually not. It’s rarely ever personal. But that is how articles and news reports are constructed.
I would have fared better not watching the news this week. I would have felt better watching Robin Williams films and stand up clips until I was filled up with happiness and inspiration because that’s him. And I could have learned a whole lot more than what was contained in news reports.
I ask for happiness and motivation, always.

100 Happy Days

Hello again Blog. I have been focusing more upon the journal but as you’re one an the same; no matter, eh?
100 Happy days is my thing these days and today was post number 65! I have enjoyed it so much. I certainly had some days there where I had some trouble figuring out what to post and what I was happy about that day but it has been away to get creative, you know? To make me think about it and make me happier I suppose. I Wanted to be happier this year. And 65 days later, I think I have made some pretty amazing progress; even if I only say so myself.

IF ANYONE WHO READS THIS WANTS TO CHECKOUT MY #100HAPPYDAYS ON INSTAGRAM THEN FIND ME @THE_JEMSTONE

Memo to myself: get happy

Today I am wanting to be grateful, when instead I am feeling anger at flawed relationships which send me spiralling into an ego-trap, where I don’t want to be. I need to take a chill pill, mindfulness is the way to go. I know what I need to do, I need to meditate. I cant blame a bad start to my morning for this. I cannot blame other people having the same problems as I once had and the situations I have experienced for bringing up past grievances in me. These are all simply worries and worries, I know full well are a waste of my time and energy. As worries are futures that will only happen if I dwell on them and bring them into being. Take a deep breath…watch a funny film…love my animals and love thyself…my note to myself.

Reasons to be Joyful everyday

I have now successfully been off of my antidepressants since September, nearly 2 weeks after my birthday on sept 14. I decided to come off of them, gradually and and as tentatively as I could and did all kinds of (internet) research on coming off of this medicine which I felt had become a hindrance rather than a help. Not only did I not cry as much but I could not laugh at the appropriate times and that didn’t sit right with me.  It was scary at first and even now, I have my bad days as I am now dealing with ‘real’ emotions once again. I wouldnt say I am cured, but I wanted control over my mind again and I wanted to feel what was real and felt I would never heal if I was not coming from clarity.

This is a massive leap in consciousness for me, for 5 months ago I was again in a dark, dark place and quit my voluntary work with almost no warning. A place I had felt safe and somewhere I had grown and changed and formed a part of myself I could not have become if I had never done it. Now I don’t think I will go back there, now I think that there are many new doors opening for me if I just wait. Its hard writing this blog to put everything that’s happened into words in a way that conveys the gratitude I have for the process that I have gone through and continue to experience. I have made friends, regained old friends and lost friends, some friends don’t choose to go with you, but they were still good friends.

I  have laid in bed and done nothing, participated in my own, one-woman bed-in, laid in bed, sat and held pens and pencils over blank pages and had revelations and musings and ideas and let them escape me until I decided to make a decision to be consciously happy. I listen to Paul McKenna hypnosis CD’s and Devi Das and Abraham Hicks meditations. I keep a joy list which reminds me what to be thankful for. I save all my favourite texts and messages to remind me that I exist and that I am loved (because its hard sometimes) more importantly I started  to consciously do things that would benefit me, and look after myself by eating well and taking vitamin supplements, saving towards a writing course to broaden my skills and doing art daily, just for the fun of it. I even sold a painting recently, to my great joy I made £25. I have a long way to go, but I am a patient woman.

Cute stuff kids say

Today I have added to my sketch book & caught up with an old friend for coffee. There is still a lot to do for me in getting my life to where I want it to go but I am not panicking & that is good. Today I have been thinking on my confidence and volunteering again. I miss it, miss my old workplace atmosphere. I know I have to to do something new & that its the best thing I have ever done, just waiting to see where life takes me, what comes next. Come what may, I am happy right now

My joy list for the day

Today I awoke with that sense of contentment & relaxation I crave everyday, thats not always there when I wake up but is a state I now know how to induce. I had a lay in, as it was a sunday & I frolicked with my post dream imagery, prolonging the happy energies that originated there & set an intention to have a lovely day.
I had a quick Eco friendly bath/shower & got dressed in my match-adjacent style.
My plan for the day was to go & visit with my friend & her daughters, my nieces. I thought about taking a walk but it looked like it might rain & although I had an umbrella I decided to wait for the bus.
Our bus service in the area is appalling to say the least yet I waited more patiently than I would, had I been having a bad day. The bus was late, I was looking for bus times using my phone as there was no guide at the bus stop & I was standing at the bottom of the road, hoping to see the bus coming; one inconvenience i could have done without as while checking the times, the bus came along.
I was standing in the wrong place, so it drove past me. I called the bus driver a giant ass under my breath but no other bad words or tantrums came from me unless i count text rage.
Minor inconveniences bother me less & less & I like it that way, I invite that quality to stay. I did manage to catch a bus in town & got to my friends house in a happy stable mood!
And my nieces! My precious, wondrous joyous, rambunctious, bull-in-a-china-shop nieces were worth that minor mishap & lengthier than hoped journey.
As soon as I get there I hear a chorus of ‘Auntie Jemma!!!!!!’ followed by lots if giggles, like the munchkins they are. We always greet each other like we haven’t seen each other for ages.
‘I like your bow! Is your hair red and black? Is your hair magic?!!’
Says the pretty-pink-princess-tutu loving niece. Then the one who looks like she fell in the dressing up box comes in, wearing stripy tights, spotty T-shirt & pink & black, dotty pirate tutu & I have to take a picture. They are a picture!
They are a handful but I wouldn’t have them any other way. There my instant pick me up, which I have been in need of these last few months of change, bereavement, illness & weirdnesses.
Children are great healers as they are untainted by the harsh ‘realities’ of the world & are connected to there inner beings, wants & desires.
I wouldn’t be with out my nieces, friends & family & I am thankful that I get to be with them everyday.